Exp Magazine

Hey, woody!

EXP Magazine is a somewhat respectable paper. YOUR section of the paper, however, seems to drag the whole publication down to the gutter. There are plenty of guys who do not have these bizarre, deranged sexual “problems.” My boyfriend and I are the perfect example of this.

And another thing. If you were this hot sexual pirate you claim to be, you would probably publish your own picture next to your article, and not some still from a boy-fuck magazine. All I’m saying is, please gain even the slightest bit of morals. It would give the publication that employs you, as well as the community, a bit more respectability.

Sick of you

Dear Sick:

Gosh, if we could all just have what you have — a problem-free, hat-in-the-air Doris Day marriage — this world would be a better place.

What shit.

You have the “perfect example” of a problem-free relationship? My bet is that you stalked your boyfriend, he panicked, gave in, and now he’s chained somewhere in the basement. That’s what guys like you usually mean by having the “perfect” relationship.

Second, I never said I was hot. I am beyond heat. That’s why I don’t publish my picture with the column. It would vaporize the paper. Besides, there’d be too many freaks like you throwing their star-fucking asses at me.

And if you haven’t figured it out, pinhead, my picture isn’t the only thing about me that’s not in the column. Neither is my name.

If you think using a pseudonym is a sham, then write Eppie Lederer and tell her what you think. Be sure to get her name right. It’s spelled A-n-n L-a-n-d-e-r-s.

 

Hey, woody!

I have a friend that swears he had gonorrhea and didn’t know it. He’s full of shit, don’t you think? How do you not notice the excruciating pain when you try to pee?

Is it just me?

Dear Is:

How do you not notice the penile inflammation, the burning while peeing, the yellowish discharges staining your underwear? Easy. When you have a perfect relationship like the pinhead that just wrote, anything’s possible.

According to a new survey published in the Journal of the American Medical Association, as many as 5 percent of the population may have gonorrhea and not know it. It’s possible (though not probable) that you could contract gonorrhea and not experience these symptoms. That’s why it’s important to get regular STD check-ups if you’re sexually active with multiple partners.

There’s a laboratory test doctors can do in their offices to let you know if you got tagged—the unfortunately named “Gram Stain.”

Gonorrhea is easily treated with antibiotics. It’s important to take all of the medication even if the symptoms stop before all the medication is gone. Gonorrhea can cause permanent damage if you don’t get rid of all of it especially for a guy that has his first gay sex

 

Hey, woody!

I am a bottom and love it. I always want to make sure that my body is clean on the inside and out before that special man tops me. I recently installed a hose in my shower to ensure there would be no messy debris when my partner pulls out. Are there any medical dangers or side effects from cleaning yourself out with water on a regular basis? I haven’t had any problems but wasn’t sure if there were any unforeseen dangers.

Squeaky Clean

Dear Squeaky:

No medical harm will come to you from your irrigation project. The problem with douching the anal canal on a regular basis is that sometimes people start doing it regularly just to have a bowel movement. That’s okay, too, but it can be quite addicting and eventually you might find that you can’t poop without it.

That’s why I gave up reading the National Enquirer on the toilet. It got to the point where I couldn’t go unless I read about Hilary Clinton’s secret penis.

 

Hey, woody!

I’m white, in my late 20’s and I’ve just recently discovered the joys of Latin juice—even to the point that the only people I want to date are Latino. Here’s my problem: I don’t know how to go about it. A great deal of the Latinos here either don’t speak English very well or don’t speak it at all. And I don’t speak a word of Spanish. So how do I overcome the language and cultural barrier to be with the hombres I want?

Latino Loverr

Dear Latino Lover:

The best way to get brown is to turn blonde.

Latinos love gringos, and the less you look like them, the more they’ll like you. Ask my friend Bill who only dates Latinos.

Bill took lots of Spanish classes, used the Spanish version of his name (Guillermo) when he went out to Latino bars and tried chatting up his Spanish prey in their own lingo.

He was about as successful as engaging a circuit boy in a discussion of medieval poetry. The more Latino-friendly he made himself the less luck he had with twinks for cash.

Here’s what he discovered: When you approach Latinos in Spanish (or more accurately, broken Spanish) they take it as an insult. It makes them feel like you think they’re too stupid to speak English.

Don’t assume they can’t speak English just because you hear them speak Spanish to each other. You may think trying to speak they’re language is endearing but they think it’s condescending.

So now, when Bill goes out he approaches Latin guys in English not in Spanish, he uses “Bill” instead of “Guillermo,” and he plays up his Anglo roots as much as he can.

And you know what? He gets more 8th street latina ass than a Tijuana toilet.

Bill’s experience reminds of an ugly truth about sex and dating: There is a social pecking order to desirable mates and whites are at the top of the heap. Here’s the mental calculus of our class-conscious culture: Asian, African-American, Latino, Anglo.

The order may change depending on the city you live in, but the highest rung never does. This is a white world; welcome to it. Or maybe not. Depends on whitey’s mood.

This pecking order isn’t pre-ordained; it’s cultural. Society believes it, encourages it and a lot of us act on it. If you don’t, good for you, but you probably know lots of guys who only “Date Upwards.”

If you buy into the idea that some colors are better than others, that some languages are better than others, that some income brackets are better than others, that some education levels are better than others, then social status will influence your dating choices.

If you’re not centered, if you don’t have a healthy sense of who you are, it’s easy to try to get that sense of esteem from the guy you date or sex with.

I think it’s true of a lot (but not all) of African-Americans who only date whites, of Latinos who only date whites, of Jews who only date Christians. By dating people with the qualities you don’t have the hope is that you’ll then be seen as having those qualities. It’s called the Halo Effect. Wealth by association, intelligence by proximity, worth by proxy.

By the way, it also works in reverse. You can really see it in HIV positive guys. I have one friend, who when he first sero-converted, started dating guys below his perceived social status. “I felt so disregarded by society’s view of me” he said, “that the only way I could feel good about myself was to date other people society disregarded.”

“When my health status got lowered,” he went on, “it put me on even ground with guys whose social status was lower, and that elevated my self-esteem.

Sick? Maybe. Human? Absolutely. Bottom line: If you want more brown, get more white.

Need wood? Ask woody how to spice up your sex life.